Peer Relationships

Autistic girls and gender diverse students often have their own ways of communicating, connecting and forming friendships. In many school environments, there can be strong pressure to blend in with the dominant social style. To cope, some students mask their differences by observing others closely, imitating social patterns or using rehearsed scripts to fit in. While masking can help them get through the day, it can also come at a significant cost, including exhaustion, burnout and a loss of connection to their own identity.

When supporting autistic young people in navigating peer relationships, it is critical to start by understanding the double empathy problem1 which tells us that autistic social communication skills may be different but are just as valid as neurotypical social norms. Effort needs to go both ways, and while autistic students can be supported to connect with their non-autistic peers, it is equally important that ALL students are taught that there are many different ways to connect, communicate and play.

Neuro-affirming Tips and Strategies

  • Teach autistic students about friendship red and green flags. Support them to understand their own needs and boundaries, and to know that good friends are the people you can be your authentic self around.
  • Facilitate authentic interest-based social connections through lunchtime clubs and extra-curricular activities. In addition to catering for semi-structured play they also provide opportunities for autistic students to form peer friendships based on shared interests.
  • Some autistic students may benefit from having a buddy who can be a supportive ‘go-to-person’ during unstructured times. Be mindful that it is a genuine connection, and not one that is forced.
  • Some autistic students may find it helpful to learn explicit strategies for navigating unfamiliar social situations if this aligns with their own goals. Supports such as social stories, role play or scripts should be developed collaboratively, respect the student’s identity, and never be used to encourage masking or conformity. It is equally important that non-autistic students are taught to understand and value different ways of communicating, playing and connecting.
  • Some autistic students may prefer to connect with students who are older or younger than themselves. Taking a flexible approach and allowing access to all play areas can be beneficial.

What makes a good friend?

GREEN FLAGS

  • Authentic connection
  • Interest-based conversations
  • Support autistic identity
  • Respect sensory preferences
  • Understand individual needs
  • Positive impact on wellbeing

RED FLAGS

  • Disrespecting boundaries
  • Not being able to be yourself
  • Taunting with triggers
  • Mocking special interests
  • Pushing out of comfort zone
  • Minimising feelings
Click here for a more comprehensive list of neuroaffirming support strategies to support autistic peer relationships

Views from Teacher, Practitioner and Autistic Adult

Teacher - We can teach our students how to be a good friend to people who think differently. We can talk about this and be explicit, giving clear examples not just of the external things like what bullying can look like, but also those internal and more hidden things around genuine connection and friendship.

Practitioner - The double empathy problem is about teaching students to understand different styles of communication. This can be done as a whole class, supporting all children to talk to each other and engage. This is where real inclusiveness comes from. It’s not just one sided, on the autistic students, but is a holistic approach. We also need to support autistic girls to find their neurodivergent peers and, with their consent, to allow them that opportunity to engage that way.

Autistic Adult - Interacting is mentally draining. At school I was often misunderstood as being defiant or insensitive. Most of the time, I was simply processing conversations differently. What came naturally to my peers, I struggled with. I spent a lot of energy trying to understand and process the words people were saying, the context they were being spoken in, the tone, facial expressions, physical gestures, and body language to even get close working out their feelings and intentions. At the same time, I had to formulate how I was feeling, and how I was going to reply. There were so many nonverbal cues that went over my head, and I am sure many of those led to many of my social struggles. I was very bright, but because of these hidden processing differences, many of my peers and teachers assumed that I had chosen to misinterpret conversations or not act what was socially acceptable. This was my hidden disability.

1. Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the Ontological Status of Autism: The Double Empathy Problem. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008